Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Washington Capitals ~ Doulci

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most.)

(Since the Washington Capitals require a special kind of eulogizer, here’s Puck Daddy Eulogy All-Star The Royal Half, a Los Angeles Kings blog, remembering the 2015-16 Washington Capitals. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

BY THE ROYAL HALF

After tirelessly writing Puck Daddy Eulogies for underachieving playoffs teams such as the San Jose Sharks, the St. Louis Blues and the Anaheim Ducks, this year I decided I would do something different. I would ask to write the Eulogy for the eventual Stanley Cup winner, the Washington Capitals.

Like seriously, how much fun would that be?

As a Los Angeles Kings fan, there is no one better to understand the extreme exhilaration that comes from being one of the most futile franchises in the NHL only to then win your 1st Stanley Cup.

And besides, I wanted to write about this team because they weren't your grandfather's Washington Capitals (truthfully, your grandfather never watched the Capitals before 2008, but I digress).

This was a loose, fun team that was destined to win the Cup from the opening faceoff this past October.

How could you not love this team? I mean, the players were on Snapchat/Slack/GroupMe with each other constantly.

Hey! Whatever happened to that guy he was taking a photo of?

The Capitals loved to slap each others butts as a pre-game ritual!

Doesn't matter which team, Pierre always wants a piece of the action.

But most importantly, after decades upon decades upon decades of achieving nothing in the NHL Playoffs, fans and the Washington, D.C. media were finally all-in on the Capitals.

This is awkward.

So the 2015-16 Washington Capitals went out to win the Stanley Cup for the first time... and then they couldn't beat this guy in 6 games:

I always wondered what happened to DJ Qualls.

And where I was once filled with excitement, I was now extremely disappointed at my chosen team's playoff performance. And it was then that I finally understood what it feels like to be a Washington Capitals fan.

The story of the 2015-16 Washington Capitals actually begins two years ago, when this perpetual loser of a NHL franchise couldn't even find four points to finish ahead of the Columbus Blue Jackets in a playoff race. Missing the playoffs for the first time in six seasons, the Capitals realized they were at a crossroads. They needed an identity change. And they needed it in a big way.

So they fired their general manager of 17 years (you know, the guy that traded Filip Forsberg for Martin Erat and Michael Latta) and replaced him with... the guy that was also in the room with the guy that traded Filip Forsberg for Martin Erat and Michael Latta. And had been in the room with him for the past seven seasons.

In addition to their "newfound" GM, the Capitals needed to find a new Head Coach that could help take this team to where it hadn't been since 1998... the 3rd Round of the NHL Playoffs. So they hired a coach... that has never been to the 3rd Round of the NHL Playoffs.

DC hasn't botched something this badly since Batman v Superman.

And then the 2014-15 Washington Capitals, with their new GM and their new head coach... went out and lost in the 2nd Round of the NHL Playoffs.

At the start of this current season, the Washington Capitals realized that they needed to boost their scoring and add some proven winners to the Top 6 as part of their mission to get past the 2nd Round. So naturally, GM Brian MacLellan traded for T.J. Oshie... a player that has never made it past the 2nd Round. Unless you count Olympic shootouts.

Yes, of course the Capitals went out and got Mr. Game 7, Justin Williams, to help fill the hole of scoring and playoff success. And then they didn't even bother making it to an actual Game 7.

In order to make room for players like Oshie and Williams, the Capitals had to get rid of useless spare parts like Eric Fehr, Joel Ward, and Troy Brouwer. These players aren't that well known but maybe Capitals fans might know these guys better as "Players that are still in the NHL Playoffs."

But enough about the players that were brought in to take this team past the 2nd Round and failed. Let's talk about the guys that have been here for a few seasons and still failed to get this team past the 2nd Round.

Let's face it, the only way that Nicklas Backstrom is going to drink from the Stanley Cup is if it's placed on the GEICO craft service table.

"We've never met, I'm the NHL Conference Finals."

Braden Holtby had one of the most incredible seasons by a goaltender and has been anointed the heir apparent to Martin Brodeur. But there is one big difference between the play of Holtby and that of Brodeur: Brodeur played behind an actual NHL defense.

And besides, if there is one thing that is true in hockey, it's that after a couple successful seasons, a Washington Capitals goalie is definitely bound for greatness.

The only thing in Washington, D.C. that showed up less than Evgeny Kuznetsov in 2016 were Jeb Bush supporters.

I'd make a joke about Brooks Orpik, but sadly General Fanager already beat me to it:

Now we come to the part that keeps many a Canadian newspaper sports columnist still employed... questioning the heart of a Russian hockey player.

In an alternate universe, Alexander Ovechkin is a 3-time Stanley Cup champion. Across the league he is praised for his commitment to representing his country internationally and kids in rinks everywhere are wearing yellow wax laces and mirror tinted visors.

But in reality, Ovechkin is without a doubt one of the best players of the past 25 years, but the filth hole that is professional sports in Washington, D.C. has sucked any possibility of winning out of him.

There's a lot of talk that Ovechkin is on pace to emulate the career goal scoring totals of Wayne Gretzky. But sadly, due to a contract that keeps him in Washington, D.C. for another five seasons, it's more likely that Alex Ovechkin will emulate the career of Ray Bourque.

In the sense that he'll be traded to a newly relocated team... and finally win the Stanley Cup.

So congratulations, D.C., you've ruined the best player of our generation and the rest of the hockey world now has to listen to countless #HotTakes on how he isn't even that good. How he shouldn't be a NHL Captain. How he does too little in the playoffs but also tries to do too much. How the Capitals would be better off without him.

For you see, Washington, D.C. is filled with idiots in high-ranking positions who have no idea what they are doing. And that's just the Wizards front office!

We are talking about a city that made people dislike Jaromir Jagr. Really let that statement soak in. I know it's hard for people in this millenial-driven 2016 sports world to imagine that there was a time when Jaromir Jagr wasn't universally loved by hockey fans. But D.C. found a way! I mean, they even screwed up Freddy Adu!

There is no way Alex Ovechkin ever had a chance.

The city of Cleveland makes fun of the the Washington, D.C. sports teams. A D.C. team hasn't won a professional championship since 1992. That's the same year The Mighty Ducks movie came out. Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" was heard across North America. And these current NHL players were all born:

Going to bed always remember DC deserves it the most, don't let any other greedy fanbase tell you different http://pic.twitter.com/G9RmJ0uddA
— Just A Guylo - Ren (@CWellion) May 11, 2016

@dcsportsbog Better chart http://pic.twitter.com/syrtLh2R0U — Ismail (@imadni) May 11, 2016

Wow, I haven't seen that many zeros since I saw Evgeny Kuznetsov's playoff stats.

Wow, I haven't seen that many zeros since I saw Brooks Orpik's contract.

Wow, I haven't seen a zero that big since I saw Ted Leonsis' lap band.

I wish I could call this team the "San Jose Sharks East"... but I've lost that ability because at least the Sharks have made the Conference Finals in the last 12 years.

But cheer up, Washington Capitals fans. Because when your team returns to the ice this fall, their failure to advance past the 2nd Round for an 18th consecutive year won't even be the most offensive thing in Washington, D.C.